My Bad Jokes
is a collection of my own really bad jokes but they are totally my
jokes. My wife told me that I should keep my day job.
1. This mule decided to get a life. He had a very negative attitude and was so tired of pulling a big wagon around all day, so he moved to the grasslands of southern Argentina and became a pampas ass.
kind of a military vehicle does a masochist drive?
A pro-pain tank.
body-absorbing space invaders descended upon the kingdom of gentle king
Profen. One if the invaders
crept into the king’s throne room and after working his evil upon the
poor king said in a loud raspy voice I-B-U-PROFEN.
4. definition: newlyweds - thermal-couple
This is one of funnier latin jokes but it doesn't quite make
much sense in English.
Duae manachi ambulabant et venebant ad vallem magnum. Primus manachus clamabat “Esne diabolus Jesuita?” et vallis resonabat “Ita, ita”
Let me try to translate: So these two monks were walking along and they came to a valley. The first monk hollers "Is the devil a Jesuit?" and the echo comes back "yes, yes." The "ita" rhymes.
Si sapis, sis apis. say it fast.
"If you are wise, become like a bee."
Reverentia capitis cani is from Ovid. It means have respect for old gray hared guys. But it also means respect for the head of the dog.
What's Heaven like?
My funniest Italian joke but I have to tell it in
Italian otherwise it doesn’t work as well.
Due carabinieri entrano in un bar. Il primo dice al compagno. <cosa prendi?> Il compagno risponde: <prendo quello che prendi tu.> Il primo dice al barista: <Due caffe, per favore.> Il compagno dice al barista: <Due caffe anche per me.>
Here my take. Two carabinieri (these guys are like keystone cops) go into this coffee shop. One guy says to his partner. "What'll you have?" His partner says "same as you". The first guy says to the barista, "Two coffees please." His partner says "I'll also have two."
Which brings to mind another great echo joke I heard in German, which goes like this but it sounds better in German.
One day president Reagan was walking along with
French prime minister François Mitterrand and German prime minister Helmut Kohl and they came
to this big canyon and decided to test out the echo.
So Mitterrand hollered “Frankreich!”
(France). The echo
came back …reich….reich… which means prosperity.
Kohl then hollered “Deutchland!”
And the echo was …land….land…
So Reagan hollered
I did not study Catullus probably because I did my liberal arts at a seminary and this guy is nasty. But nasty or gross may be too strong a description because the Romans did not think that sex and scatology was bad at all in fact they had all kinds of open discussions on these subjects. I suppose his poem 51 may be the most offensive but here is an excerpt.
lingua sed torpet,
tenuis sub artus
my tongue is unable to function, and fires are burning through my lower
the echo of your voice just rings in both my ears
my eyes are covered
with the dark of night.
sound too bad.
Fourth year Latin did not talk much about Dido and
ignored most of Virgil’s hot love story.
Sure it was nice to do the “Arma virumque” thing and all the
other brave honorable non-sexy stuff but when I look at the Aeneid,
I get a different picture of this big shot guy Aeneas who was made out
to be the founding father of Rome—and therefore without blame or
face it, Aenias was a cad and a womanizer and left poor Dido all alone
and heartbroken. He had this
mission thing in mind all the time so he managed to dump the beautiful
Queen at the very end of book IV who by the way was so madly in love with him
that when he split she toasted herself within sight of his departing
os impressa toro 'moriemur inultae,
and pressing her cheek against the couch, she said “I shall die in shame, but please let me die. Thus, for certain I am determined to do away with myself. May that heartless Trojan see this fire from the sea, and let him take with him the entire burden of my death.”
consists of three big islands, namely, Sumatra, most of Borneo, and about
half of New Guinea, plus hundreds of little islands. Most
of its population of almost 200 million people lives on the smaller island
of Java. Conditions there are
cramped, to say it mildly, so the government started an effort several years
ago to relocate people from Java to the neighboring island
venientibus ossa can mean that the
slowpokes get the bones, or if you snooze you lose. Actually it
means "bones to the late commers."
Actually it means "bones to the late commers."
Soli invicti. To the unconquered sun, or to the only one left standing.
donarum Deus amat. God loves
the cheerful giver but paying taxes is not included here.
In fine velocitur motus means things go faster at the end, probably under inertia like rolling rocks down hill or even the learning things. This saying works very well until you get as old as me then you have the opposite going on like In fine lente motus.
saxeum comes from the myth of
Sisyphus who was the cruel king of