My Bad Jokes

D Vautier


and the

No Return River



Here is a collection of my own really bad jokes but they are totally my jokes.  My wife told me that I should  keep my day job.

1.  This mule decided to get a life.  He had a very negative attitude and was so tired of pulling a big wagon around all day, so he moved to the grasslands of southern Argentina and became a pampas ass.

2.   What kind of a military vehicle does a masochist drive?   A pro-pain tank.

3.   The body-absorbing space invaders descended upon the kingdom of gentle king Profen.  One if the invaders crept into the king’s throne room and after working his evil upon the poor king said in a loud raspy voice I-B-U-PROFEN.

4.   definition:  newlyweds   -  thermal-couple   


This is one of funnier latin jokes but it doesn't quite make much sense in English.

Duae manachi ambulabant et venebant ad vallem magnum.  Primus manachus clamabat “Esne diabolus Jesuita?” et vallis resonabat “Ita, ita”

Let me try to translate:  So these two monks were walking along and they came to a valley.  The first monk hollers "Is the devil a Jesuit?" and the echo comes back "yes, yes." The "ita" rhymes.


More Latin

Si sapis, sis apis.  say it fast.

"If you are wise, become like a bee."

Reverentia capitis cani is from Ovid.  It means have respect for old gray hared guys. But it also means respect for the head of the dog.


What's Heaven like?

St. peter was giving a tour of heaven to some new people and he explains. “Everything works well here.  The English run the Government, the French are the cooks, the Germans are the mechanics and the Italians are the lovers.  Wonderful place.  Somebody then asked, “What is hell like?”  St. Peter said.  “Well it’s slightly different.  The English are the cooks, the French are the mechanics, the Germans are the lovers and the Italians run the government.”

My funniest Italian joke but I have to tell it in Italian otherwise it doesn’t work as well.

Due carabinieri entrano in un bar.  Il primo dice al compagno. <cosa prendi?> Il compagno risponde: <prendo quello che prendi tu.> Il primo dice al barista: <Due caffe, per favore.> Il compagno dice al barista: <Due caffe anche per me.>

Here my take.  Two carabinieri (these guys are like keystone cops) go into this coffee shop. One guy says to his partner. "What'll you have?"  His partner says "same as you".  The first guy says to the barista, "Two coffees please." His partner says "I'll also have two."

Which brings to mind another great echo joke I heard in German, which goes like this but it sounds better in German.

One day president Reagan was walking along with French prime minister François Mitterrand and German prime minister Helmut Kohl and they came to this big canyon and decided to test out the echo.  So Mitterrand hollered “Frankreich!” (France).  The echo came back …reich….reich… which means prosperity.  Kohl then hollered “Deutchland!”  And the echo was …land….land…  So Reagan hollered United States and the echo came back   …aids….aids…

I did not study Catullus probably because I did my liberal arts at a seminary and this guy is nasty.  But nasty or gross may be too strong a description because the Romans did not think that sex and scatology was bad at all in fact they had all kinds of open discussions on these subjects.  I suppose his poem 51 may be the most offensive but here is an excerpt.

Catullus 51

lingua sed torpet, tenuis sub artus
flamma demanat, sonitu suopte
tintinant aures gemina, teguntur
lumina nocte.

however my tongue is unable to function, and fires are burning through my lower extremities

and the echo of your voice just rings in both my ears

and my eyes are covered

with the dark of night.


doesn't sound too bad.


Fourth year Latin did not talk much about Dido and ignored most of Virgil’s hot love story.  Sure it was nice to do the “Arma virumque” thing and all the other brave honorable non-sexy stuff but when I look at the Aeneid, I get a different picture of this big shot guy Aeneas who was made out to be the founding father of Rome—and therefore without blame or shame.  Let’s face it, Aenias was a cad and a womanizer and left poor Dido all alone and heartbroken.  He had this mission thing in mind all the time so he managed to dump the beautiful Queen at the very end of book IV who by the way was so madly in love with him that when he split she toasted herself within sight of his departing ships.

et os impressa toro 'moriemur inultae,
sed moriamur' ait. 'sic, sic iuuat ire sub umbras.
hauriat hunc oculis ignem crudelis ab alto
Dardanus, et nostrae secum ferat omina mortis.

and pressing her cheek against the couch, she said “I shall die in shame, but please let me die. Thus, for certain I am determined to do away with myself. May that heartless Trojan see this fire from the sea, and let him take with him the entire burden of my death.”


The Three click mouse    

I needed a three-click mouse for an HP UNIX interface setup because the center button has functionality.  I immediately thought of Indonesia.  What does Indonesia have to do with three-click mouses?




I looked everywhere for a three-click mouse.  I finally found one on the web for around $34 plus postage.

I went to a second-hand store and found not one but two three-click mouses.  They were $2 apiece.  I bought one.  Long live the three click mouse.


Indonesia consists of three big islands, namely, Sumatra, most of Borneo, and about half of New Guinea, plus hundreds of little islands.  Most of its population of almost 200 million people lives on the smaller island of Java.  Conditions there are cramped, to say it mildly, so the government started an effort several years ago to relocate people from Java to the neighboring island of Sumatra.  But the program was unsuccessful for many reasons, one of which was fear of a dreaded three-step snake called the black mamba.  It is a highly poisonous snake that lives mainly on Sumatra, and its bite is so deadly that when you are bitten, you get three steps, and then you die.  When I hear about three-click mouses, I think of three-step snakes.


Sero venientibus ossa  can mean that the slowpokes get the bones, or if you snooze you lose.  Actually it means "bones to the late commers."

Soli invicti.  To the unconquered sun, or to the only one left standing.


Hilarum donarum Deus amat.  God loves the cheerful giver but paying taxes is not included here.


In fine velocitur motus means things go faster at the end, probably under inertia like rolling rocks down hill or even the learning things.  This saying works very well until you get as old as me then you have the opposite going on like In fine lente motus.

Inexorable saxeum comes from the myth of Sisyphus who was the cruel king of Corinth and was condemned to roll a stone up to the top of a hill only to have it roll down again just before he got it to the top.  Inexorable means that which can't be moved even by prayer.  Thus in-ex-orare