Basset-proofing

D Vautier
11/2000

The story goes that once this black widow spider asked a frog for a ride across a swift-flowing wide river.  The frog said, “How do I know you won’t bite me?”  The spider replied, “If I bite you then we shall both drown.” The frog agreed to it and off they went.  Midway across the spider bit the frog, and as they both began to drown, the frog asked, “Why did you bite me?  Now we shall both parish.”  The spider replied, “I couldn’t help myself.  It’s my nature.”

You learn in parenting class about kid-proofing your house.  This consists of making the place safe as possible for little children, and requires the removal of all dangerous substances within reach.  It a great idea to put stuff like laundry detergent, bleach, aspirin, soap, Exlax, rat poison, oven cleaner, etc., way up on high shelves.  As the kids get older, the shelves have to get higher, until there’s no more “higher” left.  Then you have to lock stuff up.

Much the same goes on if you just happen to own a Basset Hound.  You definitely must basset-proof your house, that is, remove anything of a biological, chemical, or chewable nature, which may be at, or near floor level.  This includes any and all garbage, banana peals, shaving cream, toothpaste, toothbrushes, hairbrushes, combs, duct tape, scotch tape, deodorants, pencils, pens, and crayons.  As a general rule anything that can be, or possibly may be consumed or chewed on, or has come into contact with human perspiration, or other human substance, like hair, finger nails, is likely to come under direct attack and is subject to almost certain destruction at the hands of the little creature.

Sometimes a kid will throw a banana peal into my office wastebasket.  The next thing I see is its contents scattered all over the floor.  The masked basset has struck again.

Many mornings I get up to find garbage all over the kitchen.  One of the kids had left the door under the sink slightly open, a clear invitation to basset snoop.

No basset owner is immune from this constant punishment.  Cyn has a collection of well over 20 billed hats all chewed up around the band by the evil denizen of the smell.  Val gets his mitts, baseballs and baseball bats chewed up all the time.  Fiona never can keep enough contact lens solution because the dog can make short work of the container.  One of two bites and its history.

Contact with human perspiration, or other human substance, like hair, fingernails, or whiskers, is most likely subject to almost certain destruction at the hands of this little creature.

So be sure and basset-proof your house, or else.